She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under.
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But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time. Were you ever really married? To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position.
They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us? Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife.
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Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended.
It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening? Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons; Out of anger and frustration.
To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way. To finally be taken seriously that you want real change. As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering. People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship.
Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision? To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.
A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match.
I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce. A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you.
What is your intent in wanting a divorce? Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.
Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce? Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship.
Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce. Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part.
That means they handle things like paying the bills, setting the budget, balancing the checkbook, filing annual tax returns, etc. If you are not the spouse that handled these things then you may have little or no knowledge of how to manage these things day to day. It can be helpful to establish a relationship with a certified financial planner, a banker, and a professional tax preparer.
It may seem counter intuitive to try to save money at a time when your financial situation may have significantly changed. However, when it comes to saving money, even small amounts add up.
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Divorce is never something we plan for, and it can feel completely overwhelming when tending to all of the decisions and details that need to be worked out. But by slowing down and taking things one step and one day at a time, you will find that both you and your finances will adjust to this life change. And you may just make the transition a lot more seamlessly than you think you will. Josh is the Content Manager at Credit.
He works with leaders and experts in the credit industry to create educational and timely articles that consumers can use to make more informed decisions. More by Josh Smith. Getting a divorce? Here are 20 tips for maintaining financial sanity Josh Smith Credit. Three people reviewing papers containing charts at a desk. Choose someone who has experience with your particular situation and will advocate for you and your children if you have them in a fair, efficient, straightforward and intelligent manner.
Courtroom drama is for TV. Choose someone a judge will respect. Stay solution-oriented. Back-and-forth arguing is not only stressful and time-consuming; it's non-productive. Engage with your ex in a polite, businesslike manner. Offer solutions rather than blame. Be brief. Communicate in writing. This way everything is on record and there is less room for misunderstanding or error.
Keep your dignity. A high-conflict divorce can bring out the worst in anyone. Try to remember when you feel like lashing out that it is better to choose your words wisely and keep your dignity. You can't fault someone who stays respectful and calm in the midst of an emotional tornado. Surround yourself with support.
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Spend time with people who know big-picture-you and not just divorce-you. A chat with a friend you've known forever can remind you that life is bigger than this difficult time. Call the friend who makes you laugh. Have a PJ party with your best friends. Find your cheerleaders and ask them for what you need. Have someone who will hold your hand in court.
Get physical. Long-term conflict and stress build up in the body. Find a physical activity you enjoy or used to enjoy and make time for it.
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Release the anger or grief in a healthy way. Boxing and yoga are two of my favorite ways to clear emotional and physical toxins.