I was playing out some father daughter and even some mother daughter drama. And, much as I cringe to admit it, I was like a child trying to get her own way in the worst possible way. The more time that passes, the more that reality comes into focus, is the less intense, is the more you start to realise the sheer madness of pissing away your life living on the fringes.
It is difficult for me when I hear the anguish and despair in the comments posted by the OW because it is still so fresh for me. Even today, I am shocked at how similar the songs, tactics, and playbook are. I can hardly wait until it becomes rare that I remember the depth of the anguish, despair, and shame of being the OW. That statement so gives me hope that this will pass.
I would throw a tantrum until I got my way. No amount of tantrums will get a MM to leave his wife, not that I want that now. Grief sure sucks too. Thanks though for not coming to my house and smacking me upside the head. Bri, if you are still reading, keep reading. Bri and others, we are throwing good money after bad, hoping and praying to win. What would winning be? What does pulling through even mean?
Continuing the affair? Keeping me in limbo and lonely and sad? Thank you. Just by habit of reading through the posts I read yours three times and each time that little pronoun jumped out at me. Cause I know as long as you keep hoping and being the glue for both of us , I continue to have my extra-on-the-side.
How do I know? Because our version of unavailability and betting on potential is exactly the same. Which is it?
It was one and the same while we were spellbound by that fantasy potential. Some cheat, some disappear — same difference. All these situations, cheating or any other flavor of unavailability, are all about avoidance. They are completely in over their heads, and so were we. All this drama from all parties here is out of control behavior and muddled, magical that is: childish thinking.
It hurts so much to grow up, but the longer one puts it off, the more excruciating it is to finally gain self awareness. That was just the title of the article I linked to that contained advice I thought she might find helpful. It explains why leaving her MM is the only option. One of two things will happen: he follows or she gets to move on. If she chooses to stay, she gets just more on the same i. Following this thread, WHY do we want him to leave his wife? This can go on for months easily, and even years.
After all of that, what do you have? You may as well go down the supermarket and pick a man whose groceries you like the look of. I think the odds are better. Why all this stress for a relationship? Hmmmm …. And THAT is how you win. I know you all know this, just having a rant. As long as she stays, nothing will change. Am totally with you Grace. Of those who do leave, nine out of ten go back again. He has got to be irrelevant to our actions otherwise he still figures in them.
Yes, the only option is to get out of the relationship — but for good, regardless of whether he follows or not. Ending it means ending it, not ending unless x, y or x happens. The truth is ladies that shit happens and sometimes you meet someone that is already attached. That is life. The person that registers that information and 1 addresses the situation and 2 is emotionally honest will not avoid their emotions, the person their supposed to be committed to and the issues — they either go back and resolve to put both feet in to restoring the relationship or meeting you becomes the final nail in a relationship coffin that was already out on the table.
The feeling is not mutual and he is on a pedestal. And trust me I speak from experience. I got nine months of the reeling me in and three years of the above. MM are nothing special, in fact they are second rate goods. Nat, you are so right, they are nothing special and I was worth a lot more than emotional crumbs. NC has given me the perspective and peace I needed to move on. Absolutely Natalie. Look at the BIG picture he is pulled toward his kids because he wants his cake and to eat it too!!
He will loose everything if he leaves, his wife… built in cook, cleaner and child rearer the security of his family, his house, his savings, and his reputation. I think one of the things that keeps me so enveloped in this relationship is the fact that we work together and have access to talking every single day. For those of you who were in my place, did it ever work out? Did he ever leave and choose you? And if not, do you have any regrets? Bri, my ex with the girlfriend worked across from me, then on the other side of the room and then in another department.
That ship had sailed. He had another affair with someone else not from work. Absolutely no regrets — there is nothing to regret bar getting involved with him in the first place and I rectified that by bouncing his ass and keeping it bounced. The man I wanted and loved does not and did not exist. Clearly by your description Bri, neither does yours.
By your own admission, it and he are clearly not that special. He was married to another woman and they had a child. But he future faked me and told me loads of lies so I fell in love with him. We were so well suited that I stuck around and let him jerk me about for x years. Finally, his wife got sick of him and kicked him out. We argued for months and months while he sorted out divorce and custody. A couple of times he had sex with his wife before the divorce came through.
Finally, I nagged and exhausted him into marrying me. It was touch and go at the church, I really wondered if he would turn up. But now we are so happy! Unlikely story indeed Grace! His OW was gone before the divorce was finalized. And there was no coming back to me either. Joking aside. I put the EUA on a pedestal and worshiped him for being just the opposite of my ex. Especially their intellectual interests, perfectly ridiculously identical! I am not the bitch he makes me out to be; I work full-time, I stay in shape, I go out of my way to take care of our kids, our house, I cook, clean and do his laundry.
I volunteer, I keep up with family obligations on both sides of the family, I mow the lawn to help him because I know he has allergies. I try really hard to make everything perfect for our family and my husband. When he gets home from work he is really tired and crashes on the coach. He barely ever drives our kids around and not does he help with meal prep or clean up. The day we got back from Florida this year I went and picked up the dog, went grocery shopping, unpacked and did all of the laundry from the trip.
He said he needed to go to the gym and before he got to the gym he spent 40 minutes talking to you on the phone.
Betting On Love testo
Since I found out about you…. He pledges to do whatever it takes to show me how much he loves me and what a mistake the affair with you was. He has been making you out to be a stalker, not too intelligent, not too attractive just a good listener. He loves his family more than anything. Giving up on our marriage would be too much to loose, to throw all away.
I mean everything to him.
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He vows to never speak to you again — you mean nothing to him. I see where you are coming from OW…you are single, he is kind, considerate and thoughtful to you. But, look what he is saying about you now that the affair has been found out…. There is absolutely no potential for this man to ever be capable of the type of relationship you and I deserve. Bri and Bewildered have touched a nerve.
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Afterall he said we belonged together, I was his sunshine, an oasis, the light of his life. He had nothing to do here other than eat, dance, laugh, play, bbq, hike, and have sex, although he did trim a palm frawn once. I thought surely that would win him over. I am certain his wife did everything at home as you did Bewildered.
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Thank you again for spelling it out and sharing. Bri, these guys have their dog bowl full on both ends. Both the wife and the OW may be twisting themselves into preztels to please a lying cheater in the hopes they will choose them, betting on the come. That is the relationship you are in. Sorry you are in pain, but if you end things and get through it, you will have a far greater chance of a relationship that does not make you feel bad. Yes, sometimes these men do leave their wives and children behind to be with the other woman. How do I know this because my dad left for the other woman.
This guy you are seeing sounds like he has young children. Do you consider them and what it is going to be like for them if dad left them for you? Do you think he is just going to leave his old life behind and start with a clean slate with you? Have you thought about what your relationship with his kids is going to be and what it will be like? Have you thought about who will come first you or his kids? Have you discussed what your future with him will be like truly in reality does he want kids with you? Will he be content to only see his kids on days assigned to him by the courts?
Sometimes I think the impact on the kids is forgotton by the other woman who is busy thinking it will all be a bed of roses just as long as she is with him. Dear lord did I bet on the come with the worst chances ever, a MM. Worse, I lost me at the table. He got laid. I got shit. Guys can apparently always come. No need to bet. The next long shot that blows my way will get a swift kick in the arse.
No more long shots or betting on the come which is a characteristic of MISS. Thank you Natalie. I wish I could meet you. The only one who wins is the narcissistic MM who is only looking out for 1 as always, by thinking he is entitled to the love of two women , I certainly do not want my husband back after he threw me and our marriage under the bus. Things they say to their wives about the OW….
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Oh, and he told her to stop calling him so much but, phone logs show 39 calls from him to her in May and only 15 from her to him …the poor baby! So he tells his OW he is staying for the kids…trust me we the wives know this is the only reason too. It makes us feel even better about ourselves since we were the ones at home raising these kids, cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry while he was out with you. He is feeding us both lines. There is no relationship potential for either of us with narcissistic, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable men. Double flush on these guys!
I did think about and ask about his wife. Given the frequency we were together and in public, I believed him and that she knew what was going on. At least that is how I justified, minimized, and rationalized things at the time. I could mostly call him anytime as well. The way he portrayed it was that they were both waiting for their daughter to leave for school to get a divorce. I believed the lines and bet on the potential. I own my part in decieving his wife and family and feel tremendously bad about it.
It was like he let me win at the table just long enough to keep me hooked and playing. You are so right about double flushing these duplicitous, entitled self-aborbed users. I hope you and your kids are doing better and you have some support. Let us know how you are doing. Bewildered, Runner, Bri … your posts are heartwrenching. I have felt the frustration of a man either making me into his mommy aw, do I have to? All I want is your money and all you get is the minimum of my time and effort. Wow………great post Nat exactly this is why we cant let go sometimes although we know something is not right and is toxic for our heart and health…..
I love this article. Amen, amen. Brilliantly put. Every word is the absolute truth. What makes betting on potential so dangerous, at least for me, was that it gave me the illusion that I was not EU myself. I got to feel that I was fully committed to this relationship, meanwhile it completely allowed me to disregard the fact that there was no relationship to begin with. The truth of the matter is — if we wanted a real relationship, we would be in one, with someone that also really wanted to be in a real relationship.
Pretending to sacrifice yourself on the alter of trying so hard to make a bad bet work is just a great way to create drama, have loads to bitch to your friends about and it helps you look and feel like you are in the relationship game, when all you are really doing is throwing up a lot of smoke and fireworks to keep from dealing with yourself.
I know — I have spent the last 46 years of my life doing just that. The only potential I want to bet on now is my own. I have the dubious gift of being able to get uncommitted men to commit. I should write one of those crappy Get A Man books. But once I got them, what happened? I was bored. Our dogged determination to make something out of nothing is an extremely effective distraction from the no. Not a single one of the men I read about on this blog is any different to those.
They really are not that special. The potential is in your head. And yes I know people do change but in their own time and for their own reasons. I plead guilty! At least as my last ex Mr. Youth Organization is concerned. You know why it happened? But I also know many guys his age who are in stable relationships! I took him one year to admit, although his ACTIONS during the past year have been demonstrating exactly that fact, despite all the BS he was telling me about wanting to find his soulmate! So, yeah, surprise-surprise! It made me feel good!
I realized the problem was not me not being good enough, but him not being up for a serious relationship! I let him live his life the way he wants, and I do the same with mine! I think waiting and hoping for things to change is a huge gamble, girls! You know what he did last w-end? They were the first to leave, early on Sunday morning.
What I know is that the next thing he went somewhere else by himself or at least without her. I wonder why he brought her there! To show off in front of me? I know it from my own experience! As a conclusion, I repeat: with a person who behaves like this, gambling on his potential that he might or might not reach in the future is too big a risk! Natasha, nice to hear from you again! I know many of them. But he did some things that are simply rude, at any age.
Like that story above. Not nice! That poor girl — thank God at least YOU made an effort to make her feel welcome! What was I supposed to do? The problem is that one of my AC exes actually did make me the exception to the rule. We were friends and he constantly rejected me for two years while sleeping with me and i totally adored the man i thought he could become. Then i moved on to someone else and, hello! There he was, begging me to be with him. I thought all the potential that i had seen in him was finally realised, but he turned out to be the most posessive, jealous, controlling and abusive boyfriend i have ever had.
Really be careful what you wish for! It took me years to finally extricate myself from that car crash. I bet on the ex EUMs potential too, hoping that we would go from F-buddies to glorious romance pff! Had i learned anything from my AC experience? Had i buggery!
With the current boyfriend, i resolved to cut the bullshit and observed him like a lab rat! You could have knocked me down with a feather!
Basically we fell in love when he was in a long term relationship that had gone stagnant. He split with his girlfriend immediatly after admitting his feelings for me but he underestimated the guilt and period needed to grieve so we never became a real couple, it was always Im not ready yet. I have a crush on a new guy but Im not sure if its a rebound feeling or something that it would be good for me to persue.
He is still telling me he loves me so its hard to let go emotionally. Or is that me still holding onto the fantasy that romance will eventually win out? If i were you, i would cut the contact and move on with your life and find someone who can give you what you want.
Thanks, I know thats true. We were very good friends for years before he admitted he had feelings for me. Hence betting on potential. You both seem to be in it for the potential, not for the reality, of the two of you. We make good choices in men when we have healthy self-esteem, are happy, and fulfilled. The best thing to do is cut off the ex completely and spend some time on your own, reflecting and growing. The ex in a non-starter by the way. There is no potential there to bet on. Lots of women here have commented the same — we were friends for years and then … cue sad story. I agree. Some friend.
Im new here and its great to see so many people are sympathetic to this kind of situation. Maybe its just a nice distraction for now.
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In truth its been dwindling out for a good few months so avoiding contact probably isnt going to be too hard. Yeah ladyjane, you have a classic eu situation going on here. Dog in a manger. You DO need to cut ties with him at least for a while. I hope you can do it. Also, take a look at your post. Which is, in essence, what happened to you with this eum.
Be careful! And if I really think about it and the implications — it helps me to see the patterns and stop them. And you could end up hurting him…or at the very least, acting like a jerk. Stay single for a while. You have nothing to lose except your fear and quite a bit to gain. That was me. I remember approximately 7 years ago, I met a man from online that I ended up dating for a few months. On the first date I came home and said Ithink I met the one.
All the while kept talking about the ex, how she was crazy, he came on so strong, as soon as he had me, he was all text, barely wanting to spend time with me. All along I knew something wasnt right, buy was so out of touch with reality. I mean, my dad was still emotionally abusing me, at the age of twenty three, although I was out of the house at twenty for mere survival purposes. After I ended things with him, I doubted myself and would still keep in touch with eum through instant messanger, thimking maybe I was the wacked one, and maybe thats why he didnt want to be with me.
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Many others though have gone on to have burgeoning television careers, multiple further reality TV appearances are the norm but former popular Love Island contestant Chris Hughes has made strides in the horse racing betting industry with regular well-received appearances on ITV Racing. Love Island has also taken off in Australia who now hold their annual version of the reality hit from Mallorca, hosted by popular English-Australian singer and actress Sophie Monk. It is your responsibility to check your local regulations before playing online.
GDC Trading Ltd takes no responsibility for your actions. I only needed one good reason I was single, ready to mingle, what the hell happened? You came around, you came around I'm betting on love, put it all on you I gamble all I have to take I'm hoping my love for once goes too I'm bet, I can make I'm betting on love, put it all on you I'm giving you all of me I'm taking a chance, I can win or lose I choose to believe So, it's on the table, this is how I feel I'm really unable, so you can decide if we seal the deal And not too aggressive, it's against all odds Just give me the messages, if I'm out of mind or out of time Cause I've been waiting and contemplating, should I go all in?
You came around, you came around.